If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
