Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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