she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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