she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
