Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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