I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
