When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wish there were birth control emojis
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
