Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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