After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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