my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
