Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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