I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
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I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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