She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Send help, water and tortillas.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
