Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
