I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
