Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
