I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
