so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
