I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
