The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
