My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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