I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
