If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
