plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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