When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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