I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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