My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
