If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
