I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
