I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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