I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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