Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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