the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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