Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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