She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
