definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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