Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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