I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
