Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
