It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
