Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
