What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
