dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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