man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
me + whiskey = a bad person
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
