Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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