I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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