Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
