I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
