Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
