my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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