I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
