im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
