Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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