I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
