Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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