Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
