I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
