I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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