i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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